Angry Football Fan

Hello readers , I 'm an ANGRY FOOTBALL FAN ! People say I 've got a Chip on my Shoulder. No ! they 're wrong  I 've got  King Edwards and they're on both shoulders. You get my drift, I was put on this Earth to moan and I do a bloody good job...

My  first  gripe is Professional Footballers  making television commercials.. Hello! calling all Advert Makers ! Pro Footballers CAN'T ACT ! so why use them. Surely you don't think they help sell the Product , know what a mean....

First example. Ian Wright , let's face it Ian you're making  yourself look a right Plonker  doing that "CHICKEN TONITE" advert.. Let's have some realism here - Ian Wright would never in a million years know how to cook ( he can't even do a funny chicken dance!) so why use Ian Wright , sorry he can't even put on a posh accent ... Which leads me on to his next advert - The Nescafe one, you know the one where he's broken down and knocks on a door and asks to use the phone  and gets a cuppa coffee. . Right for one thing what's Ian doing there? the next -have you seen what car he's driving " A MINI ! " sorry he' s a Pro Footballer he won't be driving a mini. Fortunately he's broken down in the middle of nowhere which just happens to have a quaint country cottage right next to him !! So what does he do ?  He knocks on the Front door just as any other  stranger would  and surprise ! it gets answered.. and would you Adam and Eve it ..it's an Arsenal fan in his favourite team shirt , (obviously got a set of them or just likes wondering around the house in it all day .) Then the deranged Arsenal fan just keeps on saying his name.. ( On a bit a side track here , apparently , Fila, West Ham's kit manufacturer complained about the fan not wearing a West Ham shirt as Ian was a West Ham player at the time. If I was Fila I'd be jumpin around with joy ! let's face it the Arsenal fan is  made to look a complete TWAT ! so any one  wearing the same team shirt would  then be a complete TWAT ! know what I mean.)  Anyway back to the advert , the fan lets him use the phone and without asking makes Ian a cup of coffee , all the way saying "Ian Wright " sorry I would have punched the guy by now. The coffee gets drunk and the recovery van turns to tow Ian's car away , and when leaving the Arsenal fan starts chanting "Ian Wright ,Wright, Wright , Ian Wright, Wright, Wright." WRONG ! WRONG ! WRONG ! Sorry advert makers you got it completely wrong. In real life the advert would have gone along the lines of : Ian Knocks on the door , the guy opens it and Ian says, " Alright mate! sorry I just had a bit of road rage and smashed up me BMW , I 'm  in the middle of nowhere and I can't get a reception on me cell phone. Let us in , give us a can a lager and let us use the dog and bone so I can ring up me mate to give us a tow." To which the reply would be "F**K right off, I'm a Spurs fan!" and slams the door in his face.  See ,Reality ! works every time..

Now the one time they got it right , was when using David Beckham in the Brylcreem advert. Very clever , all they did was let him prune himself and didn't let him speak?? No disrespect David but you no English Language teacher! Saying that, what's it done to his hair? If ever there was an advert saying avoid using this product it's this one. Unless you want miniature dreads and rats tails ,sorry his hair looks bloody awful...Next one, Lucozade ! reckons to give your body 30% more energy  to give you more staying power.. Try telling Alan Shearer that , he's been playing crap recently. 

If advert makers want advice they Should try  and  put some realism in the storylines. Perfect example Gareth Southgate ; he should advertise Zit cream , sorry he's not in his teens no more and quite frankly he shouldn't be getting spots . May be it's all that pizza he's been eating ! Or how about Tony Adams promoting non -alcoholic wines ! or even better Stan Collymore selling Prozac! Just a few tips there so we don't have to endure the acting skills of professional footballers.

I could go on all day about the Walkers Crisps adverts, but I won't. Suffice to say I have a few ideas of different  flavours , I was thinking of Salty Seaman !! but I don't think they'd get it, and I think the marketing would have to aimed at  women and maybe the gay community. Next Smokey Beckham flavour and if Walkers nick that idea expect me to very angry  and a lawsuit will follow.

Well , that's it fellow moaners .If you have any views or ideas please e-mail and I'll try and get back  to you.. The address is in Mail Man.

Angry Football Fan....

Last Updated 06/12/99