Jokes

Last Updated 04/12/99 15:09

THE GENIE AND THE LAMP

AA man was walking along the beach, when he stumbles across an old lamp. He picks it up and rubs it and out pops a Genie.

The Genie tells him he's been stuck in there for donkeys years , but is only prepared to offer the guy one wish.... He thinks long and hard and then informs the Genie he'd like to go to America , but he' s too scared to fly and too scared to sail, could he build a motor way  across the Atlantic.

The Genie laughs  and tells the guy it's impossible, apart the logistics ,how  would the supports reach the bottom of the seabed ? How much concrete? How much steel? etc etc..

"Think of another wish  ! " he tells the guy.

He thinks long and hard. " I know ! " he shouts " I always been a Tottenham fan ,I couldn't think of anything better than them winning the Premiership and  the FA Cup in the same season."

The Genie replies," Do you want four lanes or six  for this motorway!"

 THE MIRROR JOKE

Legend has it , that is a bar in Central London, where in the Ladies room is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of  the mirror and tells the truth , one is granted a wish. However if one tells a lie --"PUFF"-- you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again..

Anyway , The Spice Girls are throwing a Show Bis Party there, and Sporty Spice enters the Ladies room and stands in front of the mirror and declares that she thinks she  is one of the most Beautiful women in the World! --- "PUFF"--- the mirror swallows her up..

Next , Baby Spice walks in and turns to the mirror and says " I think I am every man's SEXUAL Fantasy----"PUFF"--- the mirror swallows her up..

Then Beckham and Posh enter the room    ( Looking for somewhere discreet !!) Posh goes to check out the cubicles and leaves Beckham in front of the mirror...... He stands there looking and admiring himself and says " I think....." ----PUFF---"

Classic Quotes

"I don't accept the Reasons that have been given. Even though there hasn't been any reasons  given."

Stan Collymore on playing for Aston Villa reserves against Loughborough Uni.

"For Tony Adams to confess his alcoholism like that, takes a lot of bottle."

Ian Wright..

"If that would have gone in, it would have been a goal."

John Motson..

"It was a game of two halves, the first and the second."

John Motson..

Writing Assignment

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment, so he asks his dad for help. "Dad , can you tell me the difference between potential and reality ? " His father looks up, thoughtfully , and says , " I will display it to you. Go and ask your Mum if she would sleep with Des Lynam for a million pounds, then go and ask your sister if she would sleep with David Ginola for a million pounds .Then come back and tell me what you have learned.

The kid is puzzled, but decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother ,"Mum ,if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Des Lynam?"

His mother looks around, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your Dad, but yes I would."

He then goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis , if someone gave  you a million pounds would you sleep with  David Ginola ?"

Without hesitation , his sister replies , " OH ! my God yes ! "

The kid goes back to his father and says , " Dad I think I have figured it out. Potentially, we're are sitting on two million pounds, but in reality we're living with a couple of  Whores ! "

The Princess and the Frog

Once upon a time , a beautiful , independent , self - assured Princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the Princess , " I was once a handsome Footballer called Stan , until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back and we can marry, move into my luxury house in the country with my Mum, you can prepare the meals , clean my cloths, bear my children ,make me feel good about myself ( because I do suffer from depression.) Life will be great , I might even get back in the first team."

That night, as the Princess dined on frog's legs in garlic butter, she laughed to herself and thought, " I DON'T  F**KING THINK SO ! "

How Does Stan Collymore Change a Lightbulb ?

He Holds it in the Air , and The World Revolves Around Him..

Posh and Becks

Posh and Becks decide they need a bit more education and decide to enroll in nightschool.

The first lesson is spelling and the Teacher asks Posh ," How do you spell dumb?"

Posh says "D-U-M-B, dumb."

The teacher  applauds her and then asks to put it into a sentence.

Posh replies , " David is Dumb."

"Very good ! " the teacher replies , " Now spell stupid."

Posh says, " S-T-U-P-I-D, stupid."

"Now put that in a sentence." the teacher asks Posh.

" David is Stupid." Posh replies, clapping her hands knowing she is right.

The teacher then turns to Becks and tells him to spell dictate.

Becks stands up and says, "D-I-C-T-A-T-E, Dictate."

"Brilliant  David!" the teacher replies, " Now use it in a sentence."

David begins, " I may be dumb , I may be stupid, but Victoria says my dictate good."

Apparently, Harry Redknapp offered to send the West Ham squad on an all expenses paid  trip to Florida , but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they see what it's like to ride on a open top bus.

RRumour has it that  Villa  have got a new sponsor: TAMPAX, the board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period...A